Recipe: Green Tea Frappuccino (抹茶フラペチーノ)

Hello, once again it is time for me to post up a recipe! I have been quite broke lately (is it not the life of the university student to be broke?) and have eaten enough boiled pasta to make me want to scream and hurl whenever I see a noodle.

But today, I got some money, and I’ve been intending to make this post for a while, so I went out and got the ingredients to make a green tea frappuccino.


I got the inspiration to make this during the summer, when being my typical usual lazy self, I did not want to have to go to the Melbourne CBD to have to buy a Starbucks frappuccino. So therefore, I googled how to make a frappuccino, and then adapted my own method and list of ingredients based upon looking at a few recipes.

I have received 100% positive reviews from my real life friends from this frappuccino, some even saying that it tastes better than the Starbucks one. So if you want to try it out for yourself, then please read on.


The ingredients as follows are:

2tsp matcha powder
1tbs white sugar
1tbs concentrated natural vanilla extract
3 big tbs of ice cream (Ben and Jerrys works a charm!)
4-5 ice cubes (Which are in the freezer and not in this picture)
A few hundred mL of milk

HOWEVER, if you do not have a sweet tooth like me, it is probably advised to use less vanilla extract, and less sugar, and perhaps less ice cream.

Blender/Magic Bullet

(I make things intuitively and this is just a rough approximation of the proportions I usually use. But trying off the measurements from this list of ingredients it turned out fine and alike to the taste of what I normally produce)

Ok, so now let’s get down to it!!!


First off, what I add is the green tea (also known as Matcha in Japanese) powder. You can buy this stuff quite easily from a Japanese store; and if you are as lucky as me, you will be served by a cute Japanese boy (oh my god he was so hot *drools*). Anyway, about this powder, it looks VERY green. Radioactively green is an excellent way to put it.
DO NOT GET THIS SHIT ON YOUR CLOTHING. It is very hard to get out. So when you handle it, please be careful.


Next, you add the sugar and the vanilla extract. I prefer to use natural vanilla extract, because it produces a more genuine taste than artificially made stuff. But, if you want to be excessively fancy, I guess you could even add vanilla bean paste (but that will probably make the process of blending overall more difficult). So when you add those, it should look like this:


Then, we get to the part which will make your Frappuccino deliciously icy!!! This is where you add the ice and the ice cream. I normally add in three ice cubes, but more can work. I actually suggest 4 to 5. The hotter the day, the more ice cubes I guess.
For the ice cream, you can use different ice creams to give your frappuccino different hints of flavours, BUT I like to go with the neutral vanilla flavoured kind of ice creams, or ice creams with a soft taste.  I like to use Ben and Jerry’s Sweet Cream and Cookies because it has a soft taste, and when blended the bits of cookies make a nice layer in the frappuccino. Then, it should look like this.

“oh god he’s putting up so many pictures omfg he can’t even”

OH, and the ice is crushed in that picture because I felt like crushing my ice cubes to let out all my teenage angst. Plus when crushed it looks sort of like cocaine.


THEN, you add in milk. I normally go with a few hundred mL. BUT! If you have a magic bullet then just fill it with milk until the milk is about 75% of the way up the blender. Screw on the lid if you’re using a magic bullet.

THEN! You blend it all together!!

It should come out something like this!

However! The lighting in my apartment is so wondrously depressing (my apartment catches like next to NO sunlight it’s so dodgy), and the sun was starting to set, so I decided to take a picture of the finished product outside.


I hope you enjoy making it, and enjoy drinking it!! And I hope it tastes good! Remember, if you are not a sweet tooth like me, you can use less vanilla extract, less sugar, and less ice cream, and a bit more ice.

Thank you, and have a lovely day.

So straight men…

So straight men can hit on women in public all the time but as soon as I comment on a photo on a page that a guy looks nice, straight men try to make it out I’m abusing my gay rights, and trying to make everyone know I’m shouting out I’m gay for attention.

I’m so sick of these double standards. But I’ll keep fighting them until I get my equal rights.

So You Want to Start Learning a Language?

Hello, I am sorry for not being online lately to post on my blog. I have been busy with my exams, a couple of them being essays, so I’ve had a lot of reading to do (and have had a lot of procrastinating to do, too). ‘


Whilst studying for my Japanese exam, I have come to think, what kind of learning methods are involved in learning a language?

I started to get the language learning bug when I graduated from high school at 17 and moved to Melbourne, and consequently, I have been learning Japanese at university for a little over a year now, and I have been learning Mandarin outside of university for around a month.

Starting to learn a language independently, and having not learned a language before that, it has taken a while for me to actually get used to knowing what is involved to learn a language effectively. It’s not to say that I am an A grade student at learning languages, I just know and have myself experienced a lot of mistakes that can be made whilst learning a language. So therefore, I hope this guide will be able to help you learn measures to take when learning to speak and write in a different language.

Starting Out:

If you are learning a language to some degree of independence then I strongly recommend that you get a textbook. There are a lot of textbooks out there, some better than others, so I recommend you look at some forum boards or websites online to find out which textbooks are good, and which textbook will be good for you kind of language learning. For learning Japanese, I am currently using these books.


I am currently up to the green Genki II textbook, but if you are starting from scratch, get the orange Genki I. At university you go through one of those textbooks in a year. I’ve found the Grammar Dictionary quite handy, as it gives more depth to the grammar explanations found in the textbook, and also has more grammar definitions. It is definitely convenient if you want to extend you learning. Also, the vocabulary is book is convenient as it explains when to and when not to use certain words, has common words, and you will start finding these words and phrases all the time in anime.
For Mandarin, I have these books:


The New Practical Chinese Reader textbook and workbook are quite handy for an overall learning of the language, and people on forumboards have said that it is probably one of the best Mandarin learning textbooks on the market at the moment, BUT my complaints, and other people’s, have been the grammar explanations and the vocabulary is not that appropriate. So I ended up getting another textbook, the blue one, which has good vocabulary lists and puts the grammar into nice rules.

But at the end of the day, the books you get should be oriented towards the way that you learn. So if you find any books that you think will also be quite convenient and beneficial, then get them.

Phonetics, then Morphology/Syntax, and then Semantics/Pragmatics:

As a linguistics student, these words make sense, but you may have not studied Linguistics before, so I will explain the heading for you. Often, you will find when you are learning a language and the concepts within a language, you first learn how to pronounce and say something, such as a consonant sound. This is called phonetics. When you first learn a language, even though this may sound redundant, and it will become tedious for a while, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get the phonetics down. Because, how are you going to be able to read grammar and sentences in the language if you don’t know how to say it, and if you don’t know what it sounds like in your head?

So for the first month or so, I just recommend spending half an hour of time out of your day just to practice the new unfamiliar sounds of a language. It may be the ‘retroflex’ sounds of Mandarin, where the tip of the tongue is curled slightly backwards, which in pinyin are zh, ch, sh and r. Also, languages may also contrast sounds that you may not be able to pick up on without practicing.

Then, once you have got that down good, and whilst you are learning those sounds, it is important to start learning the grammar of the language; the morphology and syntax. The morphology of the language is the modification that happens in words which serves a grammatical purpose, like in English, happen becomes happened, establish to disestablishment. This includes what you’ve probably heard as inflection (inflectional morphology). English doesn’t have much of this compared to some languages, and in languages like Japanese, morphology plays a heavy grammatical role. Then, there are also grammatical functions which involve the syntax of the language, such as how words are ordered in a sentence. (For example in English, it is a subject-verb-object language – I-eat-McDonalds).

Lastly, you then learn the semantics or pragmatics in the use of language. Semantics being the meaning of a sentence not concerning context, and pragmatics, the meaning of the sentence relating to the context. So, you’ve probably learned how to say a grammatical function, where it goes in a sentence, and then you will usually learn what it means in a sentence (semantics), and then in which situations it is appropriate to use it (pragmatics).

You will find a lot of language textbooks use this method anyway. So you don’t really have to focus on this too much, but it is nice to be aware of this.

Language is a Skill, not an Academic Discipline:

Even if you learn a language in an educational institution, using a language is a skill. Therefore, your best chance of learning a language is to view it as one, and not to see it as a subject that you read a book on and suddenly you can bullshit an essay and get a high score (Most of my university course has been that, woopsies). So therefore, to improve a skill, you practice a skill, right? Yes. You are not going to master a language by spending an hour on it every month or so. You have to study for a language, bit by bit, every, damn, freaking, DAY.


You’re going to have to spend that half hour in the morning learning vocabulary, and an hour at night answering questions and trying to use the language, as a skill.

Exposure is Important:

Sorry sluts, I don’t mean summer skin exposure to put on Instagram. What I am actually referring to is situations where your senses are having to react to the language, and then your brain is having to process it and try and make sense of it.

In the sense of Japanese, I usually watch anime (Yaoi specifically *licks lips*),


I also read manga in Japanese from time and time, and I also read websites that are in Japanese. In Mandarin, I listen to music (EXO-M anybody) in the language (I also listen to K-Pop too, so I should start learning Korean x.x). This is a good methods in the respect that it makes your senses used to what the language sounds like, and if you are wanting to remember things like vocabulary, it gives those words meaning. They aren’t just a bunch of sounds that you are trying to remember; they have context. It is easier to remember things when there is a context given to them. I cannot stress this enough when you start to learn a language; make it a part of your life.

Think in the Culture and Language:

As language is a way for someone to express their thoughts and ideas, it is important to know the way that the language functions and how it affects the way people think. For example, a society more focused on hierarchy may have levels of politeness which you have to take note of when speaking to someone.

Don’t Neglect Vocabulary:

Possibly the biggest hurdle for those who are learning a language is the vocabulary. Especially for those who can’t properly put the context into the words to remember it. And the annoying thing is, vocabulary is key in speaking a language. You may know how to say the grammar and the morphological changes that take place to a verb or adjective, but it means nothing and the sentence you are constructing in your head falls to pieces if you don’t know how to say all the words.

So don’t neglect your vocabulary. What I do is I make palm cards with the Japanese/Mandarin reading on one side, and the English reading on the other side, making a story based on what the word sounds like. So for the word ‘train’ in Japanese, which is pronounced ‘Densha’, I just imagine an old lady on a train having her dentures fall out (Yes, I’m quite diabolical indeed).

I also have a cute Anki (memory sentences) books with cats on the cover, which helps me to remember words! ❤


 And also placing post-it notes on household objects with their different names in the language you are learning is a good way to learn new words, too.

Find a Native Speaker! Use Your Skills!!!

If you can find a native speaker for the language that you are learning, then that is amazing. It is very helpful to have someone who is a native speaker of the language to practice with, as they can intuitively know when you are making an error, and then correct you on it, and you are using your skills in an interactive environment. Plus, it also allows you to connect to someone on a deeper level if you are speaking to them in their own language.


It may be hard for people who don’t live in a diverse setting to actually find a native speaker of the language that they are learning. That’s why there are websites like SharedTalk. Just sign up there, and there are always people willing to add you to skype or to have conversations with you whilst you both learn each other’s language. And it’s definitely a rewarding experience.

Mistakes I Have Made:
Not studying a language for a couple of weeks.

Thinking “OH, I will just remember this vocabulary if I do nothing.”

Thinking that I could cram for a language.

Not putting myself in a situation where I am using my skills

Not being interactive with my language learning

In Conclusion:

Everyone learns differently, but I hope what I have outlined helps to give you a better standing in the first part of learning a language. I will probably make another advice post on how to learn Kanji and Chinese Characters, and what happens when you hit a more intermediate level. But for now, if you just use your language learning every day and practice a bit more every day and are not afraid to challenge yourself, then you should be fine! Good luck!


Have Hope: Don’t Think That Harming Yourself Is A Solution

I am writing this piece today, and it is an issue that has been quite close to me for the past month or so, and I have not really been extremely open about it to people.

If you’re reading this, and you feel down about yourself, you feel like your situation is hopeless. You have thought of all the options, and there is not a solution in sight, and then you start to blame yourself, and think that the only way out of a situation is to take your own life or to hurt/hit yourself because your life is falling around you, and then you feel confused, lost and distressed and you just want to scream also because nobody else seems to be able to relate to what you’re going through: please, I implore you to read on, atleast consider what I have to say.

Have hope.
Don’t think that harming yourself is a solution.

I have had history of self-harm as an early to mid teenager and I almost commited suicide when I was 12. I know.

But lately, my life has been a completely obliterated train on a heat melted track, colliding into the brick wall that life can usually feel like. So, to start explaining things; I am late on my rent and my internet bill, my lease is renewing soon and my intentions aren’t clear so I face the threat of being thrown out on the streets, and it’s a mess. If you’re in my financial situation where you barely survive alone on the money that you’re given, something like this happening compounds quite a lot of stress to begin with.

I’m not the kind of nineteen year old university student who has the option of going home to their parents. I got kicked out of home from my mum (who soon moved to a different state) when I was 16 and in the last year of high school (Early 2012), and for the next 18 months after that, moved around a few locations (boarding school, grandparents place, sisters, finally the place I am living on my own in now), living out of a suitcase and a couple of bags, with most of my possessions in a storage unit halfway across the state. It wasn’t until late last year that I now have around 80% of my possessions back.

The start of this financial situation was when I got fined for returning a library book a couple of days late, and then needing to add more money to my university account to be able to print out my readings and assignments. THEN, I needed to add more money onto my public transport so for the next month, I could get to university at all.  So, there’s already around $120 out of my bank account.

I would just like to add, I had already started to feel like crap a couple of weeks before then. I had met this guy, he seemed so amazing. He seemed to care about what I had to say. The way he looked into my eyes, I could feel that he did care about me. I went out in public a couple of times with him (café, out to dinner), then he spent the night in my apartment, and I spent the night and next day at his place. But then, he suddenly said he couldn’t like someone who presented himself the way I do. Then after I called him a few times in the next week of the mid-semester break where I could barely get out of bed I felt that broken, he said I was fucked up in the head, and since then has blocked me from everything. Then after two week, when I felt confident enough to interact with guys again, three guys in that week emphasised that something was wrong with me because I wear foundation+concealer, and necklaces and bracelets. So to begin with, when this financial shit started, I was already in a bad frame of mind.

In early May now, I started to accept in my brain that my rent will most likely be unable to be paid. Going over my internet bill by $100 because I watched some of my lectures online, it was a certainty. Then it came to my rent being drawn from my account, and it said that the transaction had failed. I was a few hundred dollars short.

From there, in my head, I had already told myself that . I had known for a few months that I would inevitably come to this kind of situation. I already only eat one meal a day or starve myself for a couple of days every so often just to be able to save money on food to be able to pay my rent. I can’t have a social life because I can’t afford to go out anywhere. Feeling this deprived part in my brain, saying “I’m sick of being like this. I just cannot anymore.”, and having the feeling inside of me that my life was already going to end soon anyway, because I started to have the thoughts in my head to kill myself

I felt overwhelmed. I just felt in this constant state of stress. I couldn’t even think straight. All actions that happened around me were a blur. Passion turned into disinterest. Getting out of bed was a chore, because all I could think was how each day was suffering, it was a curse, I was just putting myself in more pain, more worry, more self-hatred.


As horrible as it sounds, the part that also killed me inside was seeing people going on with their lives, being happy and blissfully and ignorantly unaware of what I felt on the inside. As if I had been born or had been foisted this curse where I was suffering, asking “Why me? Why do they get to be happy. Why do they have what they want, and not me. What have I done wrong with my life? Why me?”

This was where I’d go home, I’d feel frustrated. Being outside in the world with my negativity seeping through all aspects of perception, and then rebounding into my thoughts, and feeling overwhelmed about the state of my life and thinking that there was no way out; out on streets, watching everything I had fought for since being kicked out of home crumble before my eyes; namely my university degree and what felt like the first semi-stable roof over my head in atleast two years. In this frustration, where I’d start to breathe irrationally, I’d punch myself in the head and claw at my arms, and at one point it had got to the point where I’d dig one of the knives into my kitchen into the skin of my arm. Then, on other occasions, I’d just sit in a dark room for a couple of hours at a time, devoured by the silence on the outside, the chaos on the inside.

In the last two weeks of the university semester, this is where it got the worst; this is where I considered taking my life an actual thing to do in a way where I’d think of plans to integrate it into my everyday life. Only two weeks ago was I looking online at articles on how much bleach you would have to drink to kill you, or how much salt you would eat, what height off a building to jump, and what painless options of killing yourself are. I would message my friends on facebook, I would spend nights calling them. I would text them. Whether it was just a ‘hi’, or a ‘I feel like crap’. Even though I felt like I wanted to die, deep deep down I really just wanted to be saved. Tears are dropping onto my keyboard at the moment as I write this paragraph. It cut into me like a dagger that a lot of the time, they wouldn’t reply. Yes, there is the reason they were busy with university. But even a hello back. Deep down all I wanted was interaction. Just someone to talk to. Ultimately, someone to just know from the look on my face that something was wrong with me. I was upset. I was lost. I was in a chaotic spiral of debris, being blown back of forth in my mind between the last breaths of my sanity and the overwhelming monster that was eating away at me. And my stability. No responses. Why should I have expected any less? I would eat fast food every day, just sit down and space out for extended periods of time, buy little things that made me smile for a second, thinking in my mind when I woke up each morning “This is your last day on the planet. Tonight you are killing yourself. Enjoy yourself, then die. After the suffering, you will be in an eternal sleep of bliss.”

This had a domino effect. Academically, I’d been suffering too. I’d not attended lectures for any of my classes (except for the compulsory ones in Japanese) for the past month. I also had become sick with some kind of flu two weeks ago, too. So I had to postpone one of my spoken assignments. I had only mustered a few hours of practice, so when I walked into the room finally to have my oral assignment. I hyperventilated, felt overwhelmed, defeatist thoughts came in, and I had to leave the room.

Friday of last week, in the evening, I went to the supermarket. My mind had got to the point where it was adamant that I would buy bleach, drink it, and just be dead. Cold, stone, fucking, dead. I had read about the feeling of being burnt on the inside. But at this point. I did not care. I cried each time I got an email about my late rent, and my intentions for renewing my lease. Thinking that I would be tossed out on the street with a legal mess to clean up. Being too poor with my financial support to get me out of this. The people in my life who I care about, those who I call my friends; keeping me out from their life when I need them most. Going out to dinners without me and posting photos on facebook. Smiling. Happy with my horrible fucking presence out of their life. I had got the money out to be able to afford it. I was standing in the supermarket, looking at it for a few minutes. One of my friends messaged me. I felt a mess, I couldn’t keep the lie of “I’m fucking marvellous, thank you very much.” – I told her what I was in the supermarket for. We then proceeded to have a conversation. I felt happier.

Now. Since this weekend, I am not feeling like this anymore. I still have fear and worry in me. But ultimately. I have HOPE. Even last week, the hope inside of me, remembering what I am fighting for in this life, my goals and aspirations, the desire to take care of those I care about. That’s what was kicking inside of me. Saying “NO.” I’ve sat down and rationalised about it. Which when you’re in an emotional state, is the last thing you want to do. Finding a couple of friends now to vent to, it’s a good outlet. And this blog I have started, too. I’m in the process of sorting out my life again. Sending emails back and forth and just keeping hope and fingers crossing that what I’m doing at the moment is working.

Never underestimate the power of hope. It is never an option to take your life. Please don’t think it is. If you do, you will use it as an excuse for so many things and your life will start to topple down. Think of what gets you out of bed in the morning, what you want to fight for in your life, what you want to achieve.

And sometimes, plucking up the courage to ask a favour from someone may seem hard and demeaning. But don’t be afraid. Also, never be afraid to stand up. If you have to build up the courage, then do so. Nobody expects you to go from trainwreck to superstar overnight, but taking small steps helps.

And please, take from this, also, that if you feel alone, like I did; then please just know that even though I may not know you. I am thinking about you. Those times you ask yourself “Why.” and those times you feel lost. Every day I think of those who think that taking their life is an option. It is not. Please just don’t think so. I love you all, even if I have not met you. Just remember that you are not alone and there are those who have felt the way that you do. If it is really that bad and you need someone anonymous, who doesn’t have influence over your life, to message or vent to. Please just do so to me.

And those who are not upset, please also just remember if someone talks to you and they seem upset. Don’t get tired and frustrated. They are probably going to you because they trust you. Please don’t break that trust for them, and please just listen. Never underestimate the power of listening. Empathy and compassion breaks down a lot of barriers.

And to those who say suicide or self-harm is a selfish act; you probably haven’t been in the situation before to have the empathy to know that in that situation, you don’t think it is. You can think it is, by all means. Everyone is free to their opinions, but please don’t force it onto others.

Why I Love My Magic Bullet: Pesto

I am just going to say it outright, that I am not someone who cooks that often – and as a university student I am quite broke. SO, therefore, I cook to be economic rather than gourmet. NOT TO MENTION that this is usually what half of my kitchen endeavours turn out to be like:
ImageAnyway. I got a magic bullet a couple of months ago when I actually had money, and I use it in most of the cooking I do that isn’t toast, two minute noodles or microwave lasagna. So; if you are lazy like me, then this Pesto sauce is probably a recipe for you.

I first wanted to make my own pesto when I realised how much I was paying for ordering pesto online, and realised I could make my own for about 1/10th of the price (and mine tastes better than the one I’d usually order online). So I went on google, looked up the recipe, it is very simple. And now I just make it intuitively.


So these are basically the ingredients you are going to be using. That is all. And yes, behind the food is a TARDIS cookie jar but I apologise for the lighting as I made this last night at like 9-10pm. So basically – all you need to make a decent portion size of pesto is
2 Handfuls of Basil from the supermarket
~75-100g of Pine Nuts (I would recommend you search around. The brand I got was a more expensive one as the supermarket I went to doesn’t supply cheap brands. But you can get pine nuts for a cheap price if you are willing to look around 2-3 places).
Olive Oil – One bottle of olive oil like that will last you a lot of pesto makings.
Salt & Pep (Always handy for all of my cooking. Or if you’re 75 years old and your tastebuds are basically dead)
2 Cloves of Garlic – When I first made the pesto I thought “ONLY 2 CLOVES I WON’T BE ABLE TO TASTE IT!!” so I put in like 6 cloves, and I had garlic breath for the next couple of days.

Aaaand if you want to make it with Gnocchi, then I recommend the Gnocchi too. But otherwise, anything else is fine.

So, calculating the cost of it
Basil – $5
75g of Pine Nuts – $2.30
Olive Oil, Garlic, Salt and Pepper – I’m going to guess about 70 cents, if that.
So you get $8 of cost. But, then you factor in you can get like 4-5 servings from this sauce. SO.

TOTAL: $1.60-$2 per seving

So, the first thing I do is I pull the leaves off of the basil, (after rinsing them with water, just to be safe!) and then I crush the garlic cloves, I add some salt and pepper, and some olive oil! All into the magic bullet container. Easy!

Now, pesto recipes ask for roasted pine nuts. But, I don’t have an oven in my kitchen *shakes fist*.
BUT, what I do is I just put the pine nuts in a pan, on a stovetop, and then I put on a high heat until they start to brown on the outsides. It’s an alternative that I use. I’ve found it works.

And you will notice on the bottom right of the picture that a basil leaf fell off of my hand and onto the kitchen counter. Basil leaves (especially when moistened) are quite evil and have attachment issues and will tend to do this. Then the appearance of them in your kitchen just keeps coming back, like herpes.

(Sorry for making you lose your appetite with this picture)

SO, ANYWAY! Now you have roasted your pine nuts. You place them into your magic bullet container with the other ingredients. Being the fat leviathan I am, I add a bit more olive oil (and salt, because what’s the point of cooking food if your arteries aren’t clogged and you’re not dehydrated). Then, you screw on your blade, and you blend it all together!

For the full effect, I recommend you play this soothing elevator music for 10 seconds.

Ok, so now your pesto should look something like this:
(Feel free to taste it. If you don’t do that, then you won’t know what to add to it, or what it is lacking)

So there you have it, so far you have made your pesto sauce. The one I made last night wasn’t as green as I normally end up having it. In the past, I have made pesto sauces that look more green.

So, now you cook your gnocchi (or whatever else you’re using to put your pesto on). With gnocchi, you basically just bring water to the boil, then you add the gnocchi, and then you will notice the gnocchi rises from the bottom of the water, to the top, and then the water boils again, like this:
And that’s when you know it is time to strain your gnocchi, then mix your pesto sauce through it!!!

As with most cooking shows, I will not actually show you the finished product and show you a better looking one I made beforehand.
(That was from the other week. It turned out a lot more green than the other one)

But no, just kidding! This is what it turned out like this time!

But, in all seriousness, it is quite a simple recipe, and not too expensive (A little pesto sauce spreads a long way). To enhance the flavour, drizzle some oil (and if you’re me, place a bit more salt onto it).

I hope your enjoyed reading it. And this is just one reason why I love my magic bullet.

My Discontents With The Homosexual Community

Before I start this post, I just want to clarify right now I am NOT making a homophobic post – I am a homosexual (I also love unicorns and rainbows) and I am outlining the experiences I have encountered in the past couple of years.

Well, I was studying on Arabic discourse practices for an essay for one of my subjects, and I got to thinking about my past experiences with men, and what has happened since I moved from the countryside to Melbourne. And I could not help but think to write this post for my new blog.

If you haven’t read this article yet, then I strongly suggest you do so, as it perfectly describes the current state in the gay community in a lot of places for me (and friends of mine who are also gay have stated that it appropriately fits their situation, too).

You will probably notice that this article mentions apps like Grindr. If you do not know already, Grindr is an app that a lot of gay males use to hook up with other gay guys (because as you know, it isn’t exactly acceptable at this point for a male to go up to another male in public and ask them if they are gay or straight because they thought said male looked good). Basically, if you log onto this app you will find a LOT of men alike to that described in the article I put above.

So basically, I like NEVER use Grindr or those kinds of apps anymore. Only if a decent seeming guy messages me and I hold an intellectual conversation will I consider meeting up for a very casual date.

If you read this article, you will find that the romanticised ideal of the gay man is the masc, gym fit, sane and sorted white male. And from my experience it is very much true. SO, if you don’t fit any of those categories, you’re this:
Or this:

Basically, also from my experience, the gay males from around where I live are oversexualised, objectifying and a lot of the time, disrespectful men (ESPECIALLY THE 50+ YEAR OLD MEN WHO MESSAGE ME PICTURES OF THEIR PENIS STRAIGHT OFF). I will proceed to go on here with a story from my past:

Early 2013. It was around when I turned 18. It was the first time I had been in an inner-city area for a while. Before then I lived in the countryside, a few hours east of Melbourne (in an area called East Gippsland). Being the Australian countryside, you can already get the idea that it is very hard to openly act gay – as you face prejudice from a lot of people who exist outside of metropolitan areas.  So therefore, I was not nearly as comfortable in my sexuality as I am now, and also I had very little self esteem in my appearance. Also, I was quite ignorant to what the community was like. I often make the mistake of thinking that people have the same level of respect for other’s feelings that I sometimes do.
So yeah, I came across Grindr, I got it, and I found a ~30 year old male and I thought he looked pretty nice. So after a bit of chatting, and him immediately giving me pictures of his penis (which I still find to be a bit tacky – I will go into that soon), I then decided to meet up with him to experiment and do some stuff. First time I would have properly touched another guy. So I ended up going to his place when we organised it, and immediately, he started coming onto me, and trying to take off my clothes, and then forcing me to rim his ass and suck his dick and swallow his sperm/semen. Not only being inexperienced, I am a big introvert, I was thinking “Oh lord, what the hell is going on here?”

AND HE KNEW I HAD DONE NOTHING WITH A GUY BEFORE, and yes he was still like this. RUDE!
And it is not an only occurrence, I shake my fist as I type this, as I have also come across a lot of men who have messaged me “I like to take virginity from young tight boys. It’s nice to be their first time.”

The point of this story that I just wrote is that a lot of gay meet-ups (well, a lot I have experienced) are like EFTPOS transactions. Not kidding. You go in, you both get what you want sexually, you pay the other person by giving them what they want (like a quid pro quo situation as one male I came across said), and then KA-CHING, done, “Thank you come again!”, thrown out the front of the door with messy hair everywhere and your mouth tasting like cock if you didn’t bring breath mints with you.

I’ve had men literally force my mouth so deep into their dick I struggle to breathe.
I’ve had men not allow me to kiss them when they almost force me to give them oral, then after they make a mess, they’re out of my place in 5 seconds flat. The video there of a Simpsons scene describes it quite well:

Furthermore, the expectations that the gay community generally has on males is quite repulsive to me. Basically, as I mentioned previously, the other article accurately mentions the prefect ‘Adonis’ of the gay community. So basically, if you’re white, you love going to the gym, you get wasted at gay clubs all the time, you have a rancid stench of testosterone that can fill a stadium, and you live for instagram; you’re perfection. I’ve had a lot of decent gay males of non-caucasian heritage tell me that they feel inferior in the gay community because they’re not white.
*Breathes to calm down*
But also, these expectations fit the idea that acting feminine in any way is horrible. Forget the piña colada loving gay man in tight shorts that filled 1990s media. Many gay men these days cringe at the very mention of it, and hiss like a vampire who has seen a glint of sunlight.

I am a male and I wear foundation and concealer, okay. I do it because I like how it makes my skin look. My straight male friends don’t seem to have a problem with it. But as soon as a typical gay male who I could see as a dating candidate gets on the scene, they have a problem with me wearing cosmetics, applying fragrance, and dressing in clothes that aren’t chinos and a Ralph Lauren polo, and have resorted to measures of making me feel like crap to try and make me be the way THEY want me to be.
Like this Japanese guy I dated last month. He made me believe for a couple of weeks that it was going to work out between us. He told me he liked me, and did some little romantic things such as make me breakfast, put his arms around my waist from behind, and he even helped me with some of my Japanese homework. But then he said he couldn’t be with someone like me because of the clothes I wear (I wore a jeans and a shirt and a couple of necklaces when I was around him – for fucks sake). This is not an isolated incident though. I got the same crap a few months before that from a Thai guy I was almost going to enter a relationship with. It came down to how I dress. I have come to loathe the comment
“You would look so gorgeous if you did this.” “You would look so gorgeous if you didn’t do that.”
“You could be attractive if you dropped your individuality and complied to my standards and became my puppet.”

I may only be 19, but I know that if you like someone, you like them for who they are. You don’t try and mold someone into a set checklist so you can then ‘tolerate’ them. And whilst I respect people have different taste, I am not attacking people for that, what I’m trying to say is that I prefer it if people would not try and enforce their checklist onto me. I’m me, love it or fuck off.

I have also had a lot of experiences of gay men calling me ‘weird’ for spending a Friday night in watching a TV series or reading a book. Gee, sorry for wanting to spend time alone. There are people in this world called INTROVERTS who sometimes prefer to just be alone in their own little world.

Gosh, I swear sometimes it feels like this:

Come on! We’re supposed to be the accepting community. LGBT people face enough crap, but yet we’re foisting a shitheap of manure upon one another much stronger than heterosexual people do, and creating this distinct feudal system filled with labels and standards at a high-school level of maturity.

I am sorry for such a long post, but yes. Had to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading.
From your resident Ursula.